he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
