Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
Balls are wasted. Waste are ballsted. Ballsd wasted
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
