Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
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