Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
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