$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
Randomize
