My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
