I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
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