I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Randomize
