We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
