Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Dude, I came home and you were passed out halfway through the front door in your Minnie Mouse outfit... with a beer still in hand
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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