On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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