yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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