We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
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