my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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