There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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