I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
super hot butfun
Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
