I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Randomize
