god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
What type of bandaid should I use on my clit
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Randomize
