i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
Randomize
