ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
