My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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