Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
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