I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
