I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Randomize
