Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
But in defense of this shit summer we've had, I totally perfected my shotgunning skills. I have achieved my summer goal.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
