My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
just to let you know I saw you texting some Kim chick, and facebook saying she's ugly... good job you're gay now
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
I'm love that we're talking about a possible 3rd 3some, and that you're going to be a dad.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
