I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
How the hell can the Olympic committee frown so much on weed and yet put on a show you would have to be high to actually enjoy?
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
He called his prostate his "boner button".
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
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