So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
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