He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
I slid a quarter down a drunk man's butt crack last night. Qdoba gets rowdy
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
Randomize
