I feel like i just miscarried Jesus's baby...
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Randomize
