I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
