i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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