Your face is a jimmy john
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
shes about as inviting as chlamydia
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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