Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
