You smell like stripper and shame
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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