Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
oh my god. i just found my camera... on top of the bush outside of my house. never let me drink everclear again
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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