i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Randomize
