i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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