go do what you do best...puke behind churches
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Randomize
