So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
