We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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