My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
If it goes near your penis, it should not go near the Hawks.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
