you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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