Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
Randomize
