Enough with studying for finals. Time to put that my little pony coloring book to use.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
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