We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Randomize
