The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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