Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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