At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
