I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
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