So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
