If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
