Cool, see you soon... she just admitted to her friends that it was a queef.
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
Randomize
