He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
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