got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
Randomize
