Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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