I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
Stop. He threw up in front of Madison Square Garden security. Spit at the guys feet and grunted ughhh at him.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
