So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
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