It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
