Some one left their pants in the elevator.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
